Comparison Is the Thief of Joy: Lessons From Social Comparison Theory

The very essence of human nature is that we are social beings. We take our cues on how to behave from the reactions and responses of others, we model behaviours exhibited by our family and peers, and we crave approval and love from those close to us. Being a part of a social network is what gives life its colour and meaning.

However, with importance placed so highly on our social connection, it is important to understand when it can help and when it can hinder our sense of self-worth and self-belief. There is one of our social behaviours that walks this fine line every day: the act of social comparison.

What is the social comparison theory?

Social comparison theory, first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, suggests that people have an innate drive to evaluate their own personal and social worth by comparing themselves to others. According to the theory, comparisons between oneself and others help people build a self-concept and evaluate their opinions and abilities.

Understanding the theory of social comparison is important in assessing the impact of societal influences on self-perception and mental health and helping children develop a healthy self-esteem.

The two types of social comparisons: upward and downward social comparison

Comparing oneself to others is natural and has different effects depending on the types of comparison processes. Social comparisons can occur in two directions.

In upward comparisons people tend to compare themselves to those they perceive as better off, often resulting in feelings of inadequacy but also motivation for self-improvement. In downward comparisons people compare themselves to those who are worse off, helping people feel better about themselves.

Excess of either one of these types can have a negative impact on both self-esteem and self-development.

How does social comparison affect development?

Social comparison is a very important tool for development. It enables the growth of our physical, cognitive, emotional and social skills. Young children want to try to read like their older peers, they want to be able to play sports like their idols, and they want to play grown-ups like their parents. We develop through our ability to compare what we can do with what others can do, and that comparison sets the benchmark for what we want to try next.

In a school environment, where we are surrounded by many data points to measure ourselves against, we want students to see success in different subjects, sports, and activities – this allows them to strive towards their own success and consider where their strengths may lie. The impact of social media on today’s children and teens also can’t be understated: students from primary school to high school now have points of comparison not only in real life but also online.

A true strength of an ELC–Year 12 school is that we have so many role models for study habits, behavioural standards, and positive social interactions. Comparison is a very powerful tool for goal setting, maintaining motivation and belonging. However, with all this in mind, one of my commonly used expressions is “comparison is the thief of joy.”

To successfully use comparison as a tool to motivate yourself, you must approach it with the right mindset. If you do not, this is what you will find: someone will always be smarter than you, someone will always win more awards than you, someone will always have more friends than you, the list goes on.

If that is what you are looking to find, you will find it.

How to encourage healthy self-evaluation and build self-esteem

When my husband and I first became parents (15 years ago now) we quickly became overwhelmed with comparisons – some we made ourselves, and others were made for us. The baby fed too often, he looked for comfort too much, his teeth were slow in, he didn’t talk early enough, he shouldn’t sleep in the pram, we weren’t reading to him enough or in enough languages.

We came up with a plan to deal with these constant comparisons. We would turn to each other and say, “Is this working for us? Are we happy with this?” If the answer was yes, we kept doing it. If the answer was no, we changed it.

Although this is a very simple way to deal with comparison, I think it is a good starting point for evaluating your thinking process. If someone is getting better grades than you, are you happy with the work you are putting in? Yes? Good, keep going. No? Let’s change that then. If someone seems to be more well-liked than you, are you happy with the circle of friends you’ve got? Yes? Great, value them. No? Let’s work on that.

Embracing self-comparison as a tool for growth

The truth is that comparison hurts when there is something inside you that you are dissatisfied with. This isn’t a bad thing – comparison has positive aspects in helping identify what you’re unhappy with and start working on what’s meaningful to you. A healthy way to use comparison is to compare yourself to the person you were yesterday and marvel at how, bit by bit, you are shaping yourself into the version of you that you are most proud of.

Children will look to their parents and adults in their lives to model these behaviours. As adults, we must pay attention to how we talk about ourselves and compare ourselves to others. Parents should also avoid drawing comparisons between their children and others and instead remind children of their individuality and unique strengths. Allowing children to pursue activities and hobbies they enjoy and gravitate towards (rather than those we wished they excelled in) is crucial in helping them grow into confident teens and young adults.

Used this way, comparison can be the provider, rather than the thief, of joy.